Unraveling

Do you ever feel like your cat is too needy?

I love my cat. But as I sit and try to focus on the myriad of things I’m supposed to be doing, she’s pushing her way across my chest, to lie upon my arms and… well, I don’t know what she wants. Maybe just to incapacitate me.

Maybe she knows that’s what I need. I often feel like I’m moving from one need to the next, being there for one person and walking into another just as soon as I go to the bathroom. I’m not very good at setting boundaries for these people.

I feel like my purpose in life is… I don’t know Maybe I don’t have a fully-developed concept of purpose. Maybe I have a deeply ingrained sense of usefulness. It can be easier to think, “if I help this person…. that’s better than doing something for myself.”

But the idea of helping people may in and of itself be antiquated. I can’t help people, or change people. I could be a listener. The world needs more listeners. But to be a listener feels so much like… being a witness? Being part of the background.

Someone told me recently that wanting to solve problems is “very male”. I don’t really care for generalizations too much. But maybe it’s true.

Solving problems sounds useful. If we solve a problem, we don’t need to talk about it. Solving a problem seems, academically to be better than listening to a problem. After all, when there’s a house fire, no one calls “the witness department”.

Sure, that’s different. A house fire is an emergency. But if you don’t have an emergency, why are you calling anyone? If you have a fire that’s not yet an emergency, why do you want to talk about it? Put out the fire before it becomes an emergency so we never have to talk about it.

This may make me sound cold. I do like listening to people. But when all you can do for anyone is listen, and listening doesn’t solve anyone’s problems… it can be overwhelming.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to preserve my own head-space on what remains of this Sunday. I have the same problem with myself that I have with everyone else. I don’t want to stop and listen to myself or understand myself any better.

I want quantifiable goals and I want to meet them by the end of the day.

Work on the comic. Work on the second comic. Schedule writing. Write. Create images for the writing. Create new pin designs. Work on social media. Promote pin designs. Write about pin subscriptions.

I don’t know what drives me, nor what really makes me happy, only that I have a lot that I want to accomplish for myself so I can feel whole at the end of the day.

And then Bliss comes and lies across my arms. Because she needs me.

Or because she needs me to be quiet and still for my own benefit.

I’m really not sure which, yet.

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